Ramblings

It's funny, I look back on my life and the things I've done, and I can say I am absolutely, amazingly, happy. My life is also completely different from what I imagined it would be.

I remember being obsessed with boys in school, well any boy, and thinking it was the end of the world if they didn't "love" me back. I remember making a fool of myself because I was always so unsure of everything. What people thought of me back then was such a huge part of who I was then. Trying to wear the right thing, say the right thing, look a certain way....
I hurt people without thinking, I said things I didn't mean. I wish I could go back and apologize to some people. I used to think that I knew what I wanted in life and I would do anything to get that.

But then slowly my world turned upside down. Nothing was in my control. My life, my health, my freedom to be me. I wasn't allowed to become my own person, I realized that the person I was becoming was a person that not only did I dislike but I resented the people who influenced me to be that person.

Slowly over the last six years or so I have struggled to become a person I like. A person who is proud of the things she does and says. I can finally admit I'm a good mother, a good friend. A good wife. I feel like I can be the person I always wanted to be, without religion, without approval.

It's strange to know that in 10 years I will sit down and read this and say I didn't know a thing. I hope by then I have figured the rest out or I'm at least on my way. Until then I just look forward to life with my family and the journey of discovering who I will be.

More Mommy

Although being a mom isn't always rewarding or easy or even fun, I must say it definitely has more ups than Downs. It is only 11:15 am and already I have seen...

Cam flying off the couch being Superhero Fly Cameron! and landing on the floor face first then laughing so hard he can't stand up...

Wes trying to follow suit but laughing to hard to get up on the couch...

Cameron baking me a cake using a colander and a hammer....

Cameron talking back to Dora and Boots and taking his roll as the viewer very seriously...

Wes calling me mommy and climbing up into my lap to watch me write this...

Life is good.