Naked

Mom, I'm naked, is that okay?

uummm,no. Why are you naked?

I had to go potty so I took off all my clothes. Can I stay naked all day?

Nope. You have to get clothes on. Bring them to me.

Um. I lost them. I have to stay naked. Sorry mom, naked it is.

* There is a running blur of a naked little boy with a belt around his waist running by. Just a belt.

Halloween

Am I the only one who has noticed Halloween has a smell? It's not quite fall, not quite winter, but it has it's very own smell. Every year, way back as long as I can remember, I leave the house on Halloween and there is a smell, like wood burning or burning leaves but fresh air too. I LOVE that smell. Every year I look forward to that most of all.

We have started a new Halloween tradition. We leave in the morning to Trick or Treat at Doug's work then head over to Patti's building. Symantec hosts this huge Trick or Treating alley that everyone participates in. All of the offices, the cubicles and the receptionist have candy for the kids, the big wigs dress up in costumes so no one knows who they are and greet the kids at the door, there is a fun no-to-scary spook alley for the kids, and when they leave they get yet another treat bag. The best part is that it's inside so I don't have to freeze my ass off while the kids go door to door!

Funny things kids say 2

My baby has started to come up to me when he is upset to say he is "so, so, so, so sad!" in this sad little tone of voice. It's so cute it makes me laugh, which I have now learned really makes the poor kid mad. He has also started stalling at bed time by saying "Wait, I have to tell you something!",when I ask what he looks around his crib desperately for anything he can talk about. So cute.

My 3 year old has taken up lying lately. I don't like this of course but it can sure make me laugh. If you ask him if he took something he will say " No, mommy, I didn't! Wes did!" But the whole time this 'something' is in his hand in plain site.
He has also started getting out of bed over and over in the evening. I'm talking 10 times or more. He will find a little piece of link or a thread on the carpet and he just HAS to bring it to us, like he is afraid it is going to eat him while he is sleeping.
Both kids lately have become total daddy's boys. The minute the hear his car pull up the house is full of screams and the sound of running feet. Doug bought some furniture for his game room this weekend and the boys spent hours helping daddy put them together. This means that Doug had to find his screw driver about 20 times to actually get the job done because it kept disappearing and, of course, no one took it. No one at all.

Perfection

I looked around at my life today and I realized that I wouldn't change a thing. I have had more perfect moments than a person has a right to have. Moments that mean the world to me. Standing under a tree in the rain with Doug, walking down the isle looking into my future husbands eyes, the moments I first saw my baby boys, that moment in the middle of the night while nursing my child where we connect and we share each other. There are so many moments through out my life that I have wanted to stay in, just wrap them around me like a blanket and nestle in for the evening. I've realized lately that my life is what people hope for, fight for. I woke up today and looked forward to seeing my boys play and learn, I go in their rooms at night to watch them sleep, to feel near them and memorize their faces. I want to take mental pictures of them; the look on their face while they sleep next to me after a bad dream, the expression they make when they try a new food, the pride of learning a new skill. The amazing moments that happen everyday and the hope of the future make me excited to take on the next day and the next.

I thought today about whether there is an afterlife. I want to believe in one, an existence of no pain, no suffering, just people together for all time enjoying being together. I may be wrong, I may be right but that is what I choose to believe. I know that no matter what there is, the thing that matters most is how I leave this world. I need to focus on giving that extra cuddle and sitting down with my son. I need to tell them how proud I am of them and how much they mean to me. I need my husband to know he changed my life when I met him, I wanted so much less before and back then I thought I wanted the world. He made me see how perfect life can be in any given moment, to enjoy today and not worry about what comes next. I hope to leave this earth someday, a long time from now, and leave a feeling of love and pride with my children. This is my goal from now on. Create the perfect moments for them to hold onto. Create a world and a family they can feel safe and confident in. A way for them to know how amazing they are.

Ideas and Beliefs, Confusion and Frustration

I believe in and am so many conflicting things that some times it's hard to communicate them. I know I may be wrong in some and right in others, but I FEEL them. It may not be logical or tangible, it may not make sense to other people but it's me. Truth, honesty isn't always the easiest thing for me. I don't like to be judged. I'm afraid to show how much I love things that I know other may not have, I'm afraid of telling people no and hurting them, I'm sarcastic and blunt while being overly cautious and not forward enough. I am a walking conundrum. I think to know me you would have to live with me for at least a year.
I am the impatient mother who yells at her kids in public but I am also the mother who cuddles her children, rocks them to sleep and kisses the owies better. I am the wife who wants my husband to take the leader roll at almost all times, I want to be June Cleaver while also being a Realtor, a writer, an artist and a handyman. I want control of all but I want someone to take care of everything. I mother friends who don't need mothering and I sometimes forget to be a good friend to the ones who really need it.
I'm a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister and a friend, but I have a hard time balancing my roles. I want to do it all, but all I really want is sleep. I have lists of goals for each role but they never work together. I feel like a river running in so many directions that I'm no longer moving at all. I am the queen of procrastination but I can multitask better than most people I know. I am scared of everything. Every noise, every change, every moment I am frightened of something. I fear failure so I don't try.
I believe in God and I believe in the power of thought and the universe. I believe in good things coming back to you but I don't believe you can plan on that. I believe that when things are too good tragedy or chaos will strike so I am never quite content. I complain, I bitch, I moan and I cry over simple, trivial issues but I handle the big problems with patience. I believe a person can change the world by their actions but I fail to try to make a difference. I don't believe in fate but I believe some things are meant to happen for a reason.

Some days I like myself and some days I don't even know who I am.

Catching up.

So it's been a while. A long while even. A lot has happened in the last few months. We bought a new house, a house I love. We just moved in a couple weeks ago and I feel like I have lived here forever already. It has everything we had on our wishlist in the area we wanted to live. It's a beautiful little older neighborhood tucked way in the back.

I'm trying to work but not really working. I always hit this point when trying to start my career; I make plans and goals, I get a baby sitter for as often as we can afford, but then I realize it just isn't enough to make it work. I can't be a successful realtor while being a stay at home mom. It always comes back to the kids. I can't show homes with the kids, I can't make phone calls with the kids. I need to review my priorities yet again. I keep getting lost in what I want now and I need to focus on what I want for the future and what I can actually DO now.

So it's back to the place I always end up. I will happily make my plans for the future, I will focus on my kids and be the wife I want to be. The career will come but right now I need to be the mom, the wife. I need to focus on being a woman that I can be proud to be. I want to be content, patient, thoughtful, active. I want to be the mom who plays soccer with her kids, reads them stories, teaches them new things and let's them just be kids.

I'm working on it.

Independance Day

The day started off a bit rocky with the children throwing things at me, yelling at me and fighting over who got to sit on which couch. But I tried to have a good attitude, I tried to not yell, not spank, not throttle the little necks of the tiny being sucking out my every last bit of sanity...I think I failed. Cam was in timeout before 10:00am. Wes was in tears from being yelled at for doing something I had asked him not to do, told him not to do, warned him not to do, removed him from the issue and still, he ran back. We woke Doug up at 11:30. It wasn't early enough.

We decided to go to a park for a picnic, imagining a fun family outing, good food, happy children delighted with their loving parents for caring enough to think of making family memories. Oh wait...my kids are only 2 and 3? Oh. Well then. It was 102 degrees today. Hot, bright, sweaty. Traffic. It took 30 minutes of driving around to find an entrance to Subway when it is only 10 minutes away.

Then the day got better, good food happy kids, a mom that was just a little less pissed off and grouchy; Cam even asked if I need a diet coke so I wont be grouchy anymore. So cute.

The day ended well and then I remembered my huge mistake I made today. After losing my temper with Cam today, spanking him and putting him on the couch in timeout for not listening for the millionth time, he said "I don't like you mommy" and I opened my mouth to say "I still love you" and out came "I don't like you much right now either". Wow. Mother of the year right there. I can't believe I said that. I just have to hope that this is one moment that Cam will not remember and need therapy for. What a wonderful way to show him how to deal with frustration in a mature and loving manner.

How do I teach them how to deal with aggression and frustration when I don't even know how?

I want my kids to be happy. Just happy. And most days I think they do go to bed happy, at least I really really hope that is true.

Now I am going to go sneak a cuddle with Cam and whisper how sorry I am. Hopefully I will get another chance tomorrow, and tomorrow I won't screw it up.

And it begins

My day begun at 6:30 when I was awaken by a little voice this morning singing "mommy, mommy, mommy, mommeeee" so softly I thought I might be dreaming. I just laid there listening and realized it was my baby singing to himself in his crib. I quietly listened at his door as he continues to sing softly when all of the sudden it turns into more of a rock and roll ballad. "A Mommy! A Mommy! A Mommee..."
I chose that moment to enter his room and saw he was standing up in his crib facing the wall and shaking his little bum to his music, eyes closed, swinging his head like a mini head banger. As soon as he saw me he fell down in bed, grabbed his blanket and pretended to be sleeping. Of all the things I may walk in on in my sons life, this has got to be the absolute best and sweetest.

*********

I have a craving. There is a place in Salt Lake, on 4th ave and E, that sells these AMAZING rice crispy treats. These are not your ordinary, run of the mill, everyday treats. These are in the melt in your mouth, gooey marshmallow, caramel and chocolate covered sweet nectar of life category. I'm sure if there is a heaven there will be a Hatch Family Confections stand at the front gate. With 25% off coupons.

The Charmed Life

I have this habit of needing to look forward to something; a baby, a house, an event. Today I realized that I don't need that. I have the life I have been waiting to have. Today Cam told me that I am his Valentine and Wes told me I'm "Pwetty" with a big 'ole smile. It's been a good day.

We went to my sister's this morning to just hang out and chat. As soon as I turned into her neighborhood Wes was calling for Misty. He kept shouting her name at the window like he expected her to magically appear. When we finally reached her house, he ran up to the door and right up to Misty and yelled "Crackers!". She felt so used.

Welcome to the detour called Utah

Today I got lost on my way back from the Girlie Doctor. I was on 300 s. and 900 e and decided to get on I15. Holy shit, who new it would be so hard to get to a huge ass freeway?! Every time I needed to turn left there was a "No left turn" sign, every time I needed to turn right it was onto a closed road. At one point I was in an intersection where no matter which way I turned, there was construction. "Road Closed" "Lane ends", the best one though, a huge sign pointing toward the road closed sign saying "Detour here". You've got to love Utah.

The Terrible Horrible Dreaded two's

Wes turns two July 11th but I think he has already developed the attitude that comes with the dreaded age. The last three days have been some of the most frustrating days I have had in the last four years. Wes never stops running, he laughs when I say no, he runs away from me no matter where we are and he SCREAM, shrill like, at bed time. I'm afraid the neighbors are going to think I'm beating my kids with all the yelling that is going on. I've trying taking him out of the situation, time outs, toy's taken away; Nothing works! Is there such thing as a child trainer? I need one!

I'm sure Doug dreads coming home to this every night, especially when I break down and lose all sanity. Then he has two screaming crazy kids and a bawling wife to take care of. The other day he came home to a messy house and a messy me and promptly told me to go get some Ice Cream or go shopping, whatever, just so I could get a break. How great is he? I wonder how he has managed to put up with me through all these years.

And poor Cam. He must be the sweetest, most sensitive little boy I have ever met. But when I am already stressed to the max the last thing I want is noise! Of course Cam is VERY noisy, he is a very normal three year old boy. I think I have had to ask him to be quite about 50 times in the last three days. I don't want to break his spirit, I just want peace and quiet!

Most of all I just want sleep. Uninterrupted, no dreams, no kids, no light. Just sleep.

Father's Day

Growing up, my father was one of the only people I could really confide in and be myself around. Even when I was a screw up or trying to figure out how to exist he was always there, quietly watching, waiting to help me or give advise when needed. He always provided more than our family needed, always trying to give us the best while teaching us to appreciate what we had. It's funny, my parents tell me we didn't have much money when I was little, I guess they were struggling like everyone else at the time. I never really noticed though. We always had clothes when we needed, we always ate SO good, we even had desert every night. I remember my dad would say every now and then that he wanted us to have MORE. I never really understood what he meant till I grew up, I just didn't feel that I missed out on anything. I hope that when my children come to me after doing something just plain wrong, that I will remember how forgiving and understanding my father was. Happy Father's Day, I love you!

Anniversary Thoughts

Yesterday was our six year wedding anniversary. Crazy. Some days it seems like we just met and we've been thrown into this crazy life of parenthood and responsibility. At other times I can't remember life before him. In the last 6 years we have lived in 3 homes, we've had 3 huge job changes, I've started my career, we've had two beautiful amazing boys, we've had five surgery's between the two of us. It seems like we have been through so much already that I can't imagine what the next 10 years will hold, but I'm looking forward to more adventures with this amazing man I get to call my husband.

Chaos

I came to the decision that I can not believe in the LDS church anymore. I needed to make a decision on that, I have been in limbo for too long. I don't want to go into the reasons why, so let's just say I don't. But I do believe in God. Absolutely, no question. I believe in prayer and blessings. I believe in faith. Where does this leave me? I don't believe the bible is a literal truth. I don't have a religion. Agnostic. Such a strange word, it doesn't seem to fit.

How do I teach my children about God? How do I teach them it's okay to NOT believe what their Grandparents, Aunts, Cousins all believe. How do I teach them Grandma says one thing but we don't believe the same without offending someone or confusing the other? How do I teach my kids that they can respect their grandparents and family's beliefs while not being part of their religion?

My family has always been an anchor for me. My mom and sister and sister's-in-law are more than just family, they are some of my best friends. Once they know I will never be a part of their church will they still be? Or will it be polite and just a bit more distant? To them, this is a phase, to me it's a decision I have thought and prayed about for years. But you can't argue, explain or debate faith, can you? To them I will always look lost. To them I will always be the one that won't be with them 'After'.

Every family get together, every family trip will make out children feel just a little lost or left out. And It's not our family's fault, their religion is a lifestyle, I respect and appreciate that.
But what do I tell my child when their cousins criticize or make fun of them? What do I do when they are told they can't ever be with God or with family after death?

How do I teach my kids to respect other people's beliefs while we live in a state that won't respect theirs?

Pure Honesty

Today Cameron was supposed to have a fun filled afternoon with his Grandparents, my parents, for FINALLY being potty trained. The day started out great with Cam playing hide and seek with Grandpa then reading about 3.2 million story books with Grandma. Then came time for McDonald's. Apparently Cam had misunderstood who was taking him to McDonald's and became very upset when he discovered both Grandma and Grandpa were taking him. He informed them that, no, that was not acceptable, that only Grandpa would be taking him. So my poor mom was left behind while Grandpa and Cam had their own little play date.

Things like this make we wonder what I'm supposed to say? On one hand, Cam was just trying to express his need for play time with Grandpa, after all in the adult world we get to choose who we play with, shop with, live with. On the other, I think my mother's feeling were quite hurt, understandable to a point considering the way it all went down. How do I teach him how to be nice, take people's feeling into consideration and still be able to make decisions on who and how he plays? Maybe I am over thinking this.

I do think it is pretty cute that Cam wanted Grandpa though, I think this may be the first outing of any of the grand kids to be just with him. I always knew my kids were his favorite! kidding...kinda anyway :)

Hello again dear blog

Hello my old friend, I have missed you! It has been two months since I have written and I'm not sure if I have nothing to say or too much to say.

Let's start with a common dilemma, to work or not to work. I get the "Itch" to really work every now and then. I start to think up marketing plans for my business, research the market more than usual, talk to brokers, lenders, investors. I have finally found a brokerage I think I can be really happy with, then, wait!!! What about my kids?! Those two little people who depend on me for meals, entertainment, comfort and clean diapers. The guilt sets in. Can I really be the working mom and still be a good one? I know a lot of women who do, but can I? Can I really be an attentive Realtor for my clients and still be there for bed time, play time and all the other times of the day that matter? I always do this, I think I can be part time Realtor and full time mom and the numbers just don't add up. How do the single moms do it? I have so many friends who are single mom's and are amazing at it. What am I missing?

Then there is the "Wanting more" issue. Is it just hormones or do I really want another child? Although, I guess it doesn't really matter what I want considering there is another party involved and he says never again. I don't think men understand what baby hungry is. It's not even a want really, it's more of a NEED. It's like I'm being pulled in the direction of everything baby, I look around and all I see is pregnant women or babies in strollers. Logically, I know I'm not ready for another one, I don't have the energy or sanity right now. I know babies are hard and expensive and oh so exhausting. But at the end of the night I just can't get the idea out of my head.

I will be 26 years old next week. I have an amazing husband and two amazing kids. I know I have so much in my life, but I just feel like something is missing some days. Like I don't really know myself, like life is just passing me by. I don't feel in control, I don't feel like I have any sense of direction. Most days I just fill my day with shopping, eating, TV. I just try to get to bed time, that's all. Then the next day it starts all over again. It's like I am just waiting for something, I just don't know what it is I'm waiting for.

Junk Mail

Today I actually looked though my junk mail folder, mostly out of curiosity. I had one email with the subject line "Doggy Style", I immediately think the worst then notice the picture in the frame pop up to say "Dresses for your Pooch". This was an email letting me know that I too can have a fabulously fashionable dog. I can buy diamond collars, leashes and studded booties. I can buy dresses for Sammi and suits for Loki. I can compete with the likes of Tinker Bell (apparently this is Paris Hilton's dogs name) and the other celebrity dogs. This site even has glammed out bikinis for small dogs.

how did I ever exist? I feel complete now.

Ramblings

It's funny, I look back on my life and the things I've done, and I can say I am absolutely, amazingly, happy. My life is also completely different from what I imagined it would be.

I remember being obsessed with boys in school, well any boy, and thinking it was the end of the world if they didn't "love" me back. I remember making a fool of myself because I was always so unsure of everything. What people thought of me back then was such a huge part of who I was then. Trying to wear the right thing, say the right thing, look a certain way....
I hurt people without thinking, I said things I didn't mean. I wish I could go back and apologize to some people. I used to think that I knew what I wanted in life and I would do anything to get that.

But then slowly my world turned upside down. Nothing was in my control. My life, my health, my freedom to be me. I wasn't allowed to become my own person, I realized that the person I was becoming was a person that not only did I dislike but I resented the people who influenced me to be that person.

Slowly over the last six years or so I have struggled to become a person I like. A person who is proud of the things she does and says. I can finally admit I'm a good mother, a good friend. A good wife. I feel like I can be the person I always wanted to be, without religion, without approval.

It's strange to know that in 10 years I will sit down and read this and say I didn't know a thing. I hope by then I have figured the rest out or I'm at least on my way. Until then I just look forward to life with my family and the journey of discovering who I will be.

More Mommy

Although being a mom isn't always rewarding or easy or even fun, I must say it definitely has more ups than Downs. It is only 11:15 am and already I have seen...

Cam flying off the couch being Superhero Fly Cameron! and landing on the floor face first then laughing so hard he can't stand up...

Wes trying to follow suit but laughing to hard to get up on the couch...

Cameron baking me a cake using a colander and a hammer....

Cameron talking back to Dora and Boots and taking his roll as the viewer very seriously...

Wes calling me mommy and climbing up into my lap to watch me write this...

Life is good.

For all of "Those" Moms...

For all of you mothers out there who feel the need to share the fact that your child was potty trained at 18 months old while balancing a book on their head and reading the bible, who like to tell people that they are doing everything wrong when it comes to parenting, who feel like it is your god given right to judge the mothers who aren't following in your footsteps....get off your high horse. You have no idea what reasons other have for doing the things they do. You know nothing about the lives of the children you so easily put down. And next time you feel like opening your mouth just to let someone know your opinion, STOP. Just walk away, go to a different web page or put down the phone, because your opinion is neither asked for nor appreciated.

How did I know?

A good friend asked me the other day when I knew that Doug was "The One". Well, I'm not sure if it was really a moment or a collection of moments that blatantly showed me I should stalk him till he proposed...but one particular moment did stick with me:

We were in the car, his beat up blue truck, driving to a party at a friends house. We had been together for only a couple months, 3 or 4 I think. Anyway, we were on 9000 S. and I was feeling a little queasy. I asked him to pull over so he found a little side road and he held my hair back as I threw up all over the curb. Nice huh? Wonderful memory. But then, Then he promptly began to find a restaurant, any restaurant that sold chicken soup. Arby's-no. Subway-no. Blimpies-Yes! So come one now, how could I just go on with my life without the man who, not only held my hair back, but tracked down chicken soup because I said it sounded good.

It did take two more years to convince him he felt the same way but eventually after many threats, beatings and threatened poisonings, he saw it my way.

Potty training

Potty training sucks. I don't know how else to put it. It's not just the training him how to actually 'deliver' but also all the things you hear. "Oh, your son is 3? He should have been potty trained long ago" "My son is so smart, he just trained himself" and "Don't pressure him too much, you'll make him NEVER want to go".

So I'm thinking I should drop him off with my mom for a week and she can do it. I've read all these books that say ask him if he needs to go, don't ask him too often or he will feel pressure, use a mini potty, have him use the family potty...etc.

Could someone please tell me a no fail way or just give me a pill so I can calm myself down?

Babies, babies and more babies...

My sisters friend is in the hospital right now, in labor. Why is it that knowing that makes me want another so bad? It is almost a feeling of jealousy. I think back to when I was pregnant with Wes and in the hospital for six long weeks trying to stay pregnant. It was so hard to be away from my little Cameron and I know it was hard on my husband even though he took care of everything so well. I know that we can't have anymore babies. I know it wouldn't be fair to the kids that we have or to my husband for me to be in the hospital again. And even worse I probably wouldn't be able to carry the baby full term, or even to a viable term age. I hate the word "viable", it's such a cold word. I think I would feel better about all this if we just knew what put me in pre-term labor last time. It could have been the surgery(gall bladder removed) I had at 22 weeks or just my body reacting to the pregnancy.

When I think about holding my two kids for the first time, I just want that again. The excitement of a new baby, watching them learn to turn over, nursing...everything. It doesn't make sense, I feel like my life is so perfect, so full, but some days I can't stop thinking about having another baby. I keep telling myself that it's hormones just making me want this.

At the same time I think I must be nuts! I'm not a natural mother, this isn't easy for me. I look forward to when they will go to school, I yell to much, I don't plan crafts and play dates like my mother always did. I stress out over small things and my kids watch WAY to much TV. I will never win the mother of the year award. Maybe if I just keep telling myself this it will make it easier to know I never get to have more.

That just sounded so selfish. I have family members who are going through fertility to get pregnant and here I am saying "I never get to have more". I am grateful for all I have, my darling sons. I will be happy, I am happy. I just wonder sometimes...

How I met Doug

Doug and I met at a pool hall, Mr. Billiards. Both of us used to go there all the time to unwind and relax before we ever met. I went one night with one of my friends Nat and she introduced me to this hansom man, Doug. I actually had a boyfriend at the time, an emotionally stale man who I was looking to get rid of anyway, but this didn't seem to bother Doug too much. That first night we went back to Nat's house and just talked till 4:00am. I just remember laying on his arm thinking, "Wow, I don't think I have ever connected with someone so fast". He was charming and hansom and he lied to me to get my number... you know you did! He claimed he would be hiring a secretary soon and that he thought he could get me the job. I'm really glad he lied because I would have been to shy to ask for his number.

It was about 3 weeks before I actually dumped my boyfriend (he was having a family crisis so I felt bad dumping him okay?!) and Doug quickly asked me on a date. He picked me up looking so sexy and he had borrowed a very nice car. We went to Outback Steakhouse and I thought, lets see what kinda guy he is... I promptly ordered an appetizer, a salad, a steak all bloody and medium rare and dessert. The sweet guy didn't even blink. The whole time he looked at me and told me I was beautiful. And no, I have never ordered so much on a date since!

Now how great is that for a beginning?

The things kids do

Wes surprised me today. We were walking up the stairs and when he saw Doug's office door he said "Daddy, where are you?" It was just darling. He was so disappointed when he realised that instead of seeing daddy he had to go down for a nap. Sad.

Right now Cam and Wes are jumping off the couch. Yes, my 18 month old is jumping too. It doesn't seem to faze him when he face plants it into the carpet. I just can't stand the sight of it so now all the blankets, pillow and cushions are in the middle of the floor in hopes of preventing a cracked open skull.

While I'm talking about my kids, does anyone know why children hate pants? Both my kids promptly take them off the minute I leave the room. I just don't get it.

A Typical Conversation

"Wes, Come here please"

"No! Go!"

"Come here, you need pants"

"AAAAAHHHHHAAAHHHH, Go, Go, Go!"

"Okay Wes, I have to come get you now, come one"

"No Way!" While sliding down the stairs as fast as possible and diving under a blanket...

Party for one please...

Tonight sucks. The thing with Cam, I drank wine so now I have a headache and I have finally realized that I have lost one of my best friends. I am not the kind of person who makes new friends easily and I pretty much have the same friends I have always had. By always I mean pretty much since I was three. I know when you get married and have kids you tend to fall away from the singles in the group, which I guess did happen a little. But all of my friends are amazing, they understand that I can't be the same person anymore, not with two kids anyway. But they have been there for me anyway. We meet up, we all have our own lives, but we all care and try to stay in touch as best we can. You guys rock and I hope that even though we don't party and chill all the time that I love you like family. Always will.

One of the really good friends I have made in the past few years was through my husbands friend. We met them as a couple, had kids together, even lived close. Unfortunately their marriage didn't make it. I hate that. So now it has turned into the whole she tells me, I mention it to Doug, he comments to Him and it gets all twisted and wrong. Remember the game Telephone? I swear, same thing. Well over the last year it has become quite apparent that our friendship just isn't going to make it so, what can I do? It sucks, I hate to admit defeat, I hate to have a friendship end over misunderstandings. But well, there it is.

Im That Mom

So today I spanked my three year old. And not once, but three times. And now I feel like shit. I feel like I'm one of those trashy moms that just beat their kids when they don't want to deal with them correctly. I didn't know what else to do. I know it sounds lame but I really didn't. When it was time for bed tonight he just went nuts. Screaming, crying, kicking, hitting. Thrashing even. When I tried to change his diaper he kicked me and twisted and screamed louder than I thought possible. So I spanked him to get his attention after giving him, like, 10 warnings. But still, I feel like a horrible mom. I just want to go in there and cuddle him and tell him what a great little boy he is and how much I love him. I just want to be the good guy. The one he always wants to cuddle and give kisses.

After all the drama ended you know what he said? "Daddy is a good daddy huh?". It was so sweet. But I have to tell you, it hurt just a little to not have him add my name to that also.

My Space

For all of you who hate My Space, you suck. I discovered Myspace.com just a couple months ago and I love being able to see what up with the people I used to know. And no, it's not like I'm wrapped up in the past or anything but really, how cool is it to see people that used to be a huge part of your life? I've reconnected with a couple of people I really care about.

Now, that said....I have also run across some people who I never expected to see again nor wanted to. It's interesting to see people who made your life a living hell, see what they are doing with their lives, or not doing which seem to be the case with most. I'm not bitter with these few, Honestly. But really, why would you message someone that you new you hurt, on purpose, and didn't show any remorse back then? It's not that I hold anything against you, I even wish you well in life. But don't expect me to write you back. Don't get all tied into a knot when I don't approve your friend request. And don't send me your bitter ramblings about how " Why can't we just be friends again?" Because really, I don't remember there being a friendship in the first place.

The dreaded FLU

I am one of those people who does not believe in the Flu shot for myself. Yes, I know Science says I'm wrong. I don't care. Every year I got a Flu shot, I got sick, so I stopped. But I thought, hey, maybe it's just me, I should be responsible and get my kids one. Well apparently if you have never had one you have to get two for the whole process to work. Okay, Have you tried to schedule two appointment exactly two weeks apart during flu seasoning just to get the shots? It can't be done. Oh, yes, it sounds simple enough but because everyone else is doing it, it is near impossible. Therefore, I have an appointment to get the kids flu shots, well the first of two on the 27Th of Jan. 7 weeks, yes, 7 after making the first of many calls.

Oh and wouldn't you know it, Both my boys have had the flu for the last two weeks. Two. Weeks. Two weeks of nastiness. Two weeks of screaming. Two weeks of changing...well, I won't say. So, really, what was the point of appointment hell if they have already had it before they get the shot for it? But at this point it really is the principle. I called. I nagged. I begged and I stole someones spot. My kids are getting that flu shot.