Ramblings

It's funny, I look back on my life and the things I've done, and I can say I am absolutely, amazingly, happy. My life is also completely different from what I imagined it would be.

I remember being obsessed with boys in school, well any boy, and thinking it was the end of the world if they didn't "love" me back. I remember making a fool of myself because I was always so unsure of everything. What people thought of me back then was such a huge part of who I was then. Trying to wear the right thing, say the right thing, look a certain way....
I hurt people without thinking, I said things I didn't mean. I wish I could go back and apologize to some people. I used to think that I knew what I wanted in life and I would do anything to get that.

But then slowly my world turned upside down. Nothing was in my control. My life, my health, my freedom to be me. I wasn't allowed to become my own person, I realized that the person I was becoming was a person that not only did I dislike but I resented the people who influenced me to be that person.

Slowly over the last six years or so I have struggled to become a person I like. A person who is proud of the things she does and says. I can finally admit I'm a good mother, a good friend. A good wife. I feel like I can be the person I always wanted to be, without religion, without approval.

It's strange to know that in 10 years I will sit down and read this and say I didn't know a thing. I hope by then I have figured the rest out or I'm at least on my way. Until then I just look forward to life with my family and the journey of discovering who I will be.