Quote of the day

"Well-behaved women seldom make history." --Laurel Thatcher Ulrich

Naked

Mom, I'm naked, is that okay?

uummm,no. Why are you naked?

I had to go potty so I took off all my clothes. Can I stay naked all day?

Nope. You have to get clothes on. Bring them to me.

Um. I lost them. I have to stay naked. Sorry mom, naked it is.

* There is a running blur of a naked little boy with a belt around his waist running by. Just a belt.

Halloween

Am I the only one who has noticed Halloween has a smell? It's not quite fall, not quite winter, but it has it's very own smell. Every year, way back as long as I can remember, I leave the house on Halloween and there is a smell, like wood burning or burning leaves but fresh air too. I LOVE that smell. Every year I look forward to that most of all.

We have started a new Halloween tradition. We leave in the morning to Trick or Treat at Doug's work then head over to Patti's building. Symantec hosts this huge Trick or Treating alley that everyone participates in. All of the offices, the cubicles and the receptionist have candy for the kids, the big wigs dress up in costumes so no one knows who they are and greet the kids at the door, there is a fun no-to-scary spook alley for the kids, and when they leave they get yet another treat bag. The best part is that it's inside so I don't have to freeze my ass off while the kids go door to door!

Funny things kids say 2

My baby has started to come up to me when he is upset to say he is "so, so, so, so sad!" in this sad little tone of voice. It's so cute it makes me laugh, which I have now learned really makes the poor kid mad. He has also started stalling at bed time by saying "Wait, I have to tell you something!",when I ask what he looks around his crib desperately for anything he can talk about. So cute.

My 3 year old has taken up lying lately. I don't like this of course but it can sure make me laugh. If you ask him if he took something he will say " No, mommy, I didn't! Wes did!" But the whole time this 'something' is in his hand in plain site.
He has also started getting out of bed over and over in the evening. I'm talking 10 times or more. He will find a little piece of link or a thread on the carpet and he just HAS to bring it to us, like he is afraid it is going to eat him while he is sleeping.
Both kids lately have become total daddy's boys. The minute the hear his car pull up the house is full of screams and the sound of running feet. Doug bought some furniture for his game room this weekend and the boys spent hours helping daddy put them together. This means that Doug had to find his screw driver about 20 times to actually get the job done because it kept disappearing and, of course, no one took it. No one at all.

Perfection

I looked around at my life today and I realized that I wouldn't change a thing. I have had more perfect moments than a person has a right to have. Moments that mean the world to me. Standing under a tree in the rain with Doug, walking down the isle looking into my future husbands eyes, the moments I first saw my baby boys, that moment in the middle of the night while nursing my child where we connect and we share each other. There are so many moments through out my life that I have wanted to stay in, just wrap them around me like a blanket and nestle in for the evening. I've realized lately that my life is what people hope for, fight for. I woke up today and looked forward to seeing my boys play and learn, I go in their rooms at night to watch them sleep, to feel near them and memorize their faces. I want to take mental pictures of them; the look on their face while they sleep next to me after a bad dream, the expression they make when they try a new food, the pride of learning a new skill. The amazing moments that happen everyday and the hope of the future make me excited to take on the next day and the next.

I thought today about whether there is an afterlife. I want to believe in one, an existence of no pain, no suffering, just people together for all time enjoying being together. I may be wrong, I may be right but that is what I choose to believe. I know that no matter what there is, the thing that matters most is how I leave this world. I need to focus on giving that extra cuddle and sitting down with my son. I need to tell them how proud I am of them and how much they mean to me. I need my husband to know he changed my life when I met him, I wanted so much less before and back then I thought I wanted the world. He made me see how perfect life can be in any given moment, to enjoy today and not worry about what comes next. I hope to leave this earth someday, a long time from now, and leave a feeling of love and pride with my children. This is my goal from now on. Create the perfect moments for them to hold onto. Create a world and a family they can feel safe and confident in. A way for them to know how amazing they are.

Ideas and Beliefs, Confusion and Frustration

I believe in and am so many conflicting things that some times it's hard to communicate them. I know I may be wrong in some and right in others, but I FEEL them. It may not be logical or tangible, it may not make sense to other people but it's me. Truth, honesty isn't always the easiest thing for me. I don't like to be judged. I'm afraid to show how much I love things that I know other may not have, I'm afraid of telling people no and hurting them, I'm sarcastic and blunt while being overly cautious and not forward enough. I am a walking conundrum. I think to know me you would have to live with me for at least a year.
I am the impatient mother who yells at her kids in public but I am also the mother who cuddles her children, rocks them to sleep and kisses the owies better. I am the wife who wants my husband to take the leader roll at almost all times, I want to be June Cleaver while also being a Realtor, a writer, an artist and a handyman. I want control of all but I want someone to take care of everything. I mother friends who don't need mothering and I sometimes forget to be a good friend to the ones who really need it.
I'm a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister and a friend, but I have a hard time balancing my roles. I want to do it all, but all I really want is sleep. I have lists of goals for each role but they never work together. I feel like a river running in so many directions that I'm no longer moving at all. I am the queen of procrastination but I can multitask better than most people I know. I am scared of everything. Every noise, every change, every moment I am frightened of something. I fear failure so I don't try.
I believe in God and I believe in the power of thought and the universe. I believe in good things coming back to you but I don't believe you can plan on that. I believe that when things are too good tragedy or chaos will strike so I am never quite content. I complain, I bitch, I moan and I cry over simple, trivial issues but I handle the big problems with patience. I believe a person can change the world by their actions but I fail to try to make a difference. I don't believe in fate but I believe some things are meant to happen for a reason.

Some days I like myself and some days I don't even know who I am.

Catching up.

So it's been a while. A long while even. A lot has happened in the last few months. We bought a new house, a house I love. We just moved in a couple weeks ago and I feel like I have lived here forever already. It has everything we had on our wishlist in the area we wanted to live. It's a beautiful little older neighborhood tucked way in the back.

I'm trying to work but not really working. I always hit this point when trying to start my career; I make plans and goals, I get a baby sitter for as often as we can afford, but then I realize it just isn't enough to make it work. I can't be a successful realtor while being a stay at home mom. It always comes back to the kids. I can't show homes with the kids, I can't make phone calls with the kids. I need to review my priorities yet again. I keep getting lost in what I want now and I need to focus on what I want for the future and what I can actually DO now.

So it's back to the place I always end up. I will happily make my plans for the future, I will focus on my kids and be the wife I want to be. The career will come but right now I need to be the mom, the wife. I need to focus on being a woman that I can be proud to be. I want to be content, patient, thoughtful, active. I want to be the mom who plays soccer with her kids, reads them stories, teaches them new things and let's them just be kids.

I'm working on it.