Ideas and Beliefs, Confusion and Frustration

I believe in and am so many conflicting things that some times it's hard to communicate them. I know I may be wrong in some and right in others, but I FEEL them. It may not be logical or tangible, it may not make sense to other people but it's me. Truth, honesty isn't always the easiest thing for me. I don't like to be judged. I'm afraid to show how much I love things that I know other may not have, I'm afraid of telling people no and hurting them, I'm sarcastic and blunt while being overly cautious and not forward enough. I am a walking conundrum. I think to know me you would have to live with me for at least a year.
I am the impatient mother who yells at her kids in public but I am also the mother who cuddles her children, rocks them to sleep and kisses the owies better. I am the wife who wants my husband to take the leader roll at almost all times, I want to be June Cleaver while also being a Realtor, a writer, an artist and a handyman. I want control of all but I want someone to take care of everything. I mother friends who don't need mothering and I sometimes forget to be a good friend to the ones who really need it.
I'm a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister and a friend, but I have a hard time balancing my roles. I want to do it all, but all I really want is sleep. I have lists of goals for each role but they never work together. I feel like a river running in so many directions that I'm no longer moving at all. I am the queen of procrastination but I can multitask better than most people I know. I am scared of everything. Every noise, every change, every moment I am frightened of something. I fear failure so I don't try.
I believe in God and I believe in the power of thought and the universe. I believe in good things coming back to you but I don't believe you can plan on that. I believe that when things are too good tragedy or chaos will strike so I am never quite content. I complain, I bitch, I moan and I cry over simple, trivial issues but I handle the big problems with patience. I believe a person can change the world by their actions but I fail to try to make a difference. I don't believe in fate but I believe some things are meant to happen for a reason.

Some days I like myself and some days I don't even know who I am.

Catching up.

So it's been a while. A long while even. A lot has happened in the last few months. We bought a new house, a house I love. We just moved in a couple weeks ago and I feel like I have lived here forever already. It has everything we had on our wishlist in the area we wanted to live. It's a beautiful little older neighborhood tucked way in the back.

I'm trying to work but not really working. I always hit this point when trying to start my career; I make plans and goals, I get a baby sitter for as often as we can afford, but then I realize it just isn't enough to make it work. I can't be a successful realtor while being a stay at home mom. It always comes back to the kids. I can't show homes with the kids, I can't make phone calls with the kids. I need to review my priorities yet again. I keep getting lost in what I want now and I need to focus on what I want for the future and what I can actually DO now.

So it's back to the place I always end up. I will happily make my plans for the future, I will focus on my kids and be the wife I want to be. The career will come but right now I need to be the mom, the wife. I need to focus on being a woman that I can be proud to be. I want to be content, patient, thoughtful, active. I want to be the mom who plays soccer with her kids, reads them stories, teaches them new things and let's them just be kids.

I'm working on it.