My sisters friend is in the hospital right now, in labor. Why is it that knowing that makes me want another so bad? It is almost a feeling of jealousy. I think back to when I was pregnant with Wes and in the hospital for six long weeks trying to stay pregnant. It was so hard to be away from my little Cameron and I know it was hard on my husband even though he took care of everything so well. I know that we can't have anymore babies. I know it wouldn't be fair to the kids that we have or to my husband for me to be in the hospital again. And even worse I probably wouldn't be able to carry the baby full term, or even to a viable term age. I hate the word "viable", it's such a cold word. I think I would feel better about all this if we just knew what put me in pre-term labor last time. It could have been the surgery(gall bladder removed) I had at 22 weeks or just my body reacting to the pregnancy.
When I think about holding my two kids for the first time, I just want that again. The excitement of a new baby, watching them learn to turn over, nursing...everything. It doesn't make sense, I feel like my life is so perfect, so full, but some days I can't stop thinking about having another baby. I keep telling myself that it's hormones just making me want this.
At the same time I think I must be nuts! I'm not a natural mother, this isn't easy for me. I look forward to when they will go to school, I yell to much, I don't plan crafts and play dates like my mother always did. I stress out over small things and my kids watch WAY to much TV. I will never win the mother of the year award. Maybe if I just keep telling myself this it will make it easier to know I never get to have more.
That just sounded so selfish. I have family members who are going through fertility to get pregnant and here I am saying "I never get to have more". I am grateful for all I have, my darling sons. I will be happy, I am happy. I just wonder sometimes...
